Bob Perkins returns with: "Ah Towd'em Ohwdem!"

"It went dead on me just before Christmas, so I had to get some new stuff. I don't think I'll ever get the hang of half the things this new one does, and I can't get it to do what I want it to without wasting a lot of time. Its a good thing I was only looking up Oldham, or I'd have been here all day."

"Is that because there's lots of information to pick from?"

"No, it's because there's now't of interest about the place! Don't get me wrong, I've some good friends in Oldham, and I used to have some contacts at the 'Latics, but really there isn't a lot to say. It was just a bunch of Pennine villages until the 1800's but then it became the most important cotton town in the world. When all the mills were running, they produced more cotton goods than the whole of France and Germany put together. But that all went, after the war, and now there's not a lot to talk about."

"What, nothing at all, Uncle? Weren't they in the Premier League once? "

"Aye, that's right, lad, so they're one up on County for the moment, anyway. But like us, they're one of the early clubs in English football, that've never really hit the headlines. I can only bring three things to mind about Boundary Park.

I can remember going there for a mid week match in the '70s. The weather was absolutely bitter, so your Great Aunt Elle insisted on sitting in the stand. She thought it would be better than standing in the open end and getting frost bite. A lot of people think that Boundary Park is the highest ground in England, but it's not, just the coldest! Do you know which is the highest?"

" Is it somewhere like Carlisle?"

"No, you're way out, sunshine, it's West Brom......Look it up if you don't believe me. Anyway, there we were in this great open stand, and all of the glass in the end was either cracked or blown out, but it was the howling that made us give up in the end."

"What, you mean the wind was that bad, even in the stand, Uncle?"

"Oh yes the wind was bitter, but the howling was coming from some of the County players who were sitting behind us! The Hatters were in the middle of a bad run, and the Manager lost his patience with some of the first team. That night he picked a lot of the reserves including a couple of young lads, and made the ones who'd been dropped watch from the stand. Now, you'd think they'd have kept their mouths shut, wouldn't you? But not a bit of it, they whined and took the mickey out of the lads who were on the pitch all through the game. In the end, I took your Auntie Elle away because she was close to using that brolly of hers on some of them....."

"What, you mean she might have whacked them over the head or something?"

"Mayhap, but I was more worried about the poisoned tip! Come to think of it, it was your Auntie who had another of her moments at Boundary Park as well, some twenty years later.

I was there on an official visit. It was about the time that Jimmy Frizzel had left the 'Latics and gone to City as Manager. He'd made that comment about 'yard dogs' so the Oldham fans all had these blow up plastic dogs, and of course, the City supporters all had their blown up giant bananas* The Oldham Chairman, at the time, owned a coach company, and things were pretty traditional there.

Towards full time, the Club Secretary came up to us and invited us to have some refreshment after the game. So we were taken to the Board Room. Half way there, your Great Aunt Elle was diverted into what looked like a large closet. Apparently, Directors' Wives and Lady Guests were not allowed in the Board Room. So whilst I was having plates full of hotpot and treble whiskies shoved down me, she was expected to nibble on those little sandwiches with the crusts cut off and drink weak tea.

So I knew that I'd have to get out as quickly as I could, before there was an explosion!"

"Was Aunty a big 'Womens Libber' then Uncle?"

"No it wasn't so much that, as the sandwiches running out, and she was beggared if she was going to keep up a polite conversation about aerobics and soft furnishings! It took me four pints of Thwaites and a double cod and chips, mushy peas and pineapple fritters to get her calm, and she was still steaming when we got back to our hotel!"

"Well, that's two things, Uncle, what's the last one?"

"Isn't it past your bedtime? Have you two got now't better to do than pester an old man? I'll tell you then, if it's the only way to get shut of you. I've actually scored a goal at Boundary Park.....now what do you think of that?"

"I'm amazed, I never knew you played football. You went to a rugby playing school didn't you?"

"Well to tell the truth, it's not quite as exciting as it sounds. After the tragedies at Hillsborough and Heysel, we spent a lot of time trying to persuade the government that they ought to let local councils put some money into redeveloping football and rugby league grounds to make them safer and also improve football in the community. I took some officials to see a selection of grounds including Central Park at Wigan, Post Office Road at Featherstone, and Watersheddings and Boundary Park in Oldham. The 'Latics had a plastic pitch at the time, and the Council was keen to develop as many local activities on it as they could. We had a bit of a kick about on the pitch, and I put the ball past an Assistant Secretary from the DoE who was in goal. Mind you she was wearing a long skirt and high heels at the time, so perhaps I had a bit of an advantage!"

"You've certainly been around in your time haven't you, Uncle? Are you going to the match on Saturday?"

"No, Doctor's orders, so you'll have to cadge a lift off someone else! Just remember the old saying, ' Ah towd 'em, Ohwdem!"

"Hey, I've heard me Granma say that, what does it mean?"

" I don't think you kids know anything. There's more brains in a veggie buurger than you two. It was a famous advertising slogan for Oldham Batteries, don't you know anything?"

"Oh, I get it, that's what Oldham's famous for now there's no cotton, is that it Uncle?"

"Wrong again! The batteries were made in Denton ….... it was the chap who founded the company that was called Oldham. Now off you go, I've got to catch up on my beauty sleep."